Carried for a Moment...Forever in my Heart

     I chose the title "Carried for a Moment...Forever in my Heart" because it defines a small portion of what I felt when the Doctor walked into my hospital room on August 18th, and said, there is no heartbeat. That short phrase speaks volumes. If you are reading this, and you have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or lost a child after birth, I empathize with you. You are safe here; you are welcome here. 

    That phrase is only a part of what I felt. I felt empty, I was angry, and I felt broken. I remember driving home that day and thinking "What I did to deserve this again?" Yes, this was not the first loss, I had experienced. I have had six miscarriages over a span of ten years. But it doesn't get easier or hurts any less than the first one. A loss is a loss, period. I remember calling my husband at work, on my way home, and telling him the news. I couldn't get the words out; he knew what I couldn't say out loud. Like, I said previously, we have experienced this, many times. I cried all the way home, and then I had to put on a brave face for my girls. They didn't know, nor did I tell them, because they shouldn't have to worry about such things. Oh, the things we do, to protect our children's hearts. 

    I felt so lost. I felt broken, damaged, and insignificant. I had to deal with the pain, emotionally and physically at home as the miscarriage continued. It wasn't something I was mentally prepared for. The Doctor gave me options, but I chose to go home because, I had two kids at home that needed me. I didn't involve my husband, I delt with it in my own way, and at that time, I preferred it to be alone. There was something almost embarrassing about it. The bleeding continued for a few days and then it slowed and finally subsided about two weeks after. The physical pain was gone, but emotionally, I was unavailable and distanced myself from him and didn't make an effort to do anything with the girls unless it was taking them to school and feeding them. The house was lacking on being cleaned, and I didn't care. I knew I loved them, just didn't have the energy to be with them. When I say be with them, I mean, I did what was necessary, but there was nothing fun or extra being done. My husband picked up a lot of the slack, within our marriage, with the kids, and with the house. It was something, I couldn't manage. I couldn't manage my grief. 

    One night, when I was tucking the girls into bed, they were arguing and fighting over something trivial, and I screamed at them. I mean "screamed" at them. I realized shortly after, that it was completely unnecessary. I sat at the kitchen table and cried, I realized that my children were watching me, they were watching me as I was being consumed by my grief. At that moment, I knew I had to do something, anything. I had to find a way to recover and cope with my loss, or it wouldn't be the only loss I would be grieving. So, I picked up my dad's old Bible and just started reading. 

    I am to this day, still struggling to find the mental energy to just "be" with my girls. One thing that is helping me through the mental maze of my grief is a few verses from God's Word! (I'm not pushing faith or religion, just a suggestion to help healing). 

Revelations 21:4 (NIV-Scofield Study) 
-He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

        This verse is a promise from God. We may struggle, we may mourn, we may cry, we may feel overwhelming pain, but He promises that he will wipe away all of our struggles, our tears, our fears, and our pain. 

Matthew 5:4 (NIV-Scofield Study) 
-Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. 

        Again, another promise for those who are in mourning. 

**I have bad days, especially when I see pregnancy announcements or accidentally hear someone talking about being pregnant. It's been less than four weeks, but I am finding comfort in those verses and in my family, that is what is important. I will never be the same, but soon, I will be able to cope with my loss and find peace, so that I may continue to try and be the best mother that I can be for the children that need me at home. 

 

Carried for a Moment...Forever in my Heart. 💔